FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
CC: Hewlett Venklinne, Senior Staff Happiness Ambassador
SUBJECT: Well done all!

Dear colleagues,

Thank you to each and every one of you who didn’t immediately delete the 2018 Staff Survey, whilst cursing ‘pointless BS consultation exercises.’ We are pleased to share a careful selection of the results with you. The redacted report, which you can read in full below, was prepared at great expense by some faceless consulting company, so you can be sure that it exactly reflects the will of the people, which we promise to uphold throughout the coming year.

Some headline results:

– 90% of you clicked vaguely positive ratings buttons, whilst reserving your wrath for the free text boxes which we ignore.

– 94% of you are desperately clinging on to your youthful academic aspirations, despite endless admin, funding bids and REF cycles having reduced your beloved profession to a mentally and emotionally exhausting drudgery.

– 96% of you would recommend the university to a friend as a place to work, as your eye begins to twitch and you desperately fumble for the corkscrew to open a second bottle of wine.

– The majority of you are content with diversity issues, overlooking gender inequality, a mental health crisis and an upswing in racism, both on campus and affecting society in general.

Overall, these are results of which we can be extremely proud, particularly given that people are still licking their wounds following our harsh and intractable response to strike action over pensions devaluation, and our continuing commitment to lowering pay and pushing workers onto temporary contracts.

Thanks to the majority of academic staff deciding that this survey was not worth their time, we are extremely surprised to see that 75% of you say you feel you have a good work-life balance. In today’s working climate, where many of us work 6-day weeks, neglecting our personal health and well-being, we are pleased that so many of you have given up on the idea that there is a life beyond work. We feel that the balance is right between your 60-hour working life and your limited time away from the University (during which there are emails to fill the void). After all, family, love, hobbies, relaxation, time to think, imagine, or merely sleep – these things are for those losers who don’t work at a top 10 university. This is something we will continue to work at to make sure all staff feel this way.

Once again, many thanks to all of you who took part, and for sharing your meaningless tickbox feedback with us. You have played an important part in providing guidance to improving our University, and after this thorough democratic exercise, we feel confident to proceed without listening to you for another year.

Your beloved Vice Chancellor,


who thoroughly deserves his enormous remuneration package

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