Category Archives: shart attack

SHART ATTACK

Posted on February 1 2019 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
TO: ALL STAFF
CC: Hewlett Venklinne, Senior Staff Happiness Ambassador
SUBJECT: Well done all!

Dear colleagues,

Thank you to each and every one of you who didn’t immediately delete the 2018 Staff Survey, whilst cursing ‘pointless BS consultation exercises.’ We are pleased to share a careful selection of the results with you. The redacted report, which you can read in full below, was prepared at great expense by some faceless consulting company, so you can be sure that it exactly reflects the will of the people, which we promise to uphold throughout the coming year.

Some headline results:

– 90% of you clicked vaguely positive ratings buttons, whilst reserving your wrath for the free text boxes which we ignore.

– 94% of you are desperately clinging on to your youthful academic aspirations, despite endless admin, funding bids and REF cycles having reduced your beloved profession to a mentally and emotionally exhausting drudgery.

– 96% of you would recommend the university to a friend as a place to work, as your eye begins to twitch and you desperately fumble for the corkscrew to open a second bottle of wine.

– The majority of you are content with diversity issues, overlooking gender inequality, a mental health crisis and an upswing in racism, both on campus and affecting society in general.

Overall, these are results of which we can be extremely proud, particularly given that people are still licking their wounds following our harsh and intractable response to strike action over pensions devaluation, and our continuing commitment to lowering pay and pushing workers onto temporary contracts.

Thanks to the majority of academic staff deciding that this survey was not worth their time, we are extremely surprised to see that 75% of you say you feel you have a good work-life balance. In today’s working climate, where many of us work 6-day weeks, neglecting our personal health and well-being, we are pleased that so many of you have given up on the idea that there is a life beyond work. We feel that the balance is right between your 60-hour working life and your limited time away from the University (during which there are emails to fill the void). After all, family, love, hobbies, relaxation, time to think, imagine, or merely sleep – these things are for those losers who don’t work at a top 10 university. This is something we will continue to work at to make sure all staff feel this way.

Once again, many thanks to all of you who took part, and for sharing your meaningless tickbox feedback with us. You have played an important part in providing guidance to improving our University, and after this thorough democratic exercise, we feel confident to proceed without listening to you for another year.

Your beloved Vice Chancellor,

Mike

who thoroughly deserves his enormous remuneration package

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SHORT SHART SHOCK

Posted on November 23 2018 | Comments Off on SHORT SHART SHOCK

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: ALL STAFF
CC: Hewlett Venklinne, Convenor of External Esteem (External).
SUBJECT: LuVE-U in the News!

Dear all,

I am delighted to announce the realisation of one of the key strategic aims set out in our five year plan. You may remember attaining the rank of ‘best university in the north west of Grassington’ and hiring 90% Knights of the Order of the Garter in all departments by the year 2030 as being key to this plan.

Attaining nationwide recognition as a serious sportsing university was also pretty high up on the list, and I can now reveal that LuVE-U has penetrated the public consciousness, attracting considerable media attention for its sportsing activities!

Our thanks must go to the LuVE-U Bobsleighers (LuVE-BS). Admittedly, I assumed that sports teams had to achieve something – like win a tournament or break a record or something – to attract such attention, but Hewlett tells me that the social side is important, and that if the Bobsleighers have broken any records, it’s the record for ‘most fun socials.’ Back of the net!

In other news, it has been suggested by the same newspapers that we at LuVE-U don’t take hate speech seriously. I was confused by this, but thankfully Hewlett was there as ever to untangle all the complex media jargon for me, and they are quite right – we don’t take hate speech seriously, we just ignore it and don’t let it bother us, otherwise that’s how the bullies win. [Hewlett — is that what you said before? Please check this before I sent it out to all the staff!!]

So, another good day for LuVE-U, I’m sure you’ll all agree!

Best wishes,
Mike.

[Also Hewlett – could you amend the PDFs of the 5 year plan to include what I said about us being good at sportsing. Thanks.]

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on September 13 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

Far be it from the subtext collective to be inward-looking and disinterested in the goings on at other universities. Thanks to a source, we have frequently been able to attain private email exchanges between Mike M. Shart, the Vice-Chancellor of Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U), and various members of his staff. They paint a picture of a university in more scandalous times than our own.

In subtext 166, we revealed Prof Shart’s jubilation at LuVE-U being named Racing Post ‘University of the Year’, a clear act of aggression in response to Lancaster’s being named University of the Year by the Times. LuVE-U did differ from Lancaster in its response to Chris Heaton-Harris’s McCarthyite requests for Brexit teaching materials, by happily passing over the information. Like Lancaster, LuVE-U increased its on campus rents in 2017, and as our report in subtext 169 showed, Prof Shart’s response to student complaints was to highlight that their accommodation was still cheaper than at the Ritz Hotel.

The emails in our possession also reveal the shocking ineptitude of his staff, particularly his director of marketing (whose title seems to change on a weekly basis) Hewlett Venklinne, who was revealed to spend little time in his office despite being copied into nearly ALL of Prof Shart’s correspondence. Eventually, Venklinne was sacked by Shart for telling a Times journalist that he was sympathetic to striking academic staff. He went one further, and openly berated staff in an audio interview with LuVE-U’s student media (the first time we have heard Prof Shart’s voice in the three years we have been covering his activities). His Pro-Chancellor, Lord Rod E. L. Girdle, was revealed to have sent drunken emails suggesting that the disgraced ‘journalist’ Toby Young be appointed to LuVE-U’s University Council, something which Prof Shart seemingly welcomed. Shart’s gullibility was brought into even sharper relief when he was revealed to have taken lessons in public engagement from a notoriously slippery, superficially charming and dishonest Lune Valley County Councillor.

subtext prides itself on the fascinating light that our coverage has shed on the machinations of Lune Valley Enterprise University, and you can read all of it below.

http://wp.lancs.ac.uk/subtext/category/shart-attack/

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on June 21 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Chas Phockwoddes, Lead Male Member: Child Services, Lune Valley County Council
TO: Hewlett Venklinne, Provost of Press
CC: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
SUBJECT: Cathy Smithen-Wesson Comments on Floods

Cathy Smithen-Wesson’s utterly ubiquitous response to the floods

Councillor Chas Phockwoddes is today TRIGGERING the absent Lune Valley MP Cathy Smithen-Wesson with FACTS AND LOGIC following her recent comments regarding the November floods.

‘Cathy Smithen-Wesson’s exegeses in last week’s paper were so ubiquitous. She inculpitates the Government for the Lune Valley floods, yet ignores the fact her Labour-run City Council is proposing to build five hundred million houses right on the bank of the River Lune, and has specifically hired builders with one star ratings on Google Reviews and instructed them to ensure maximum subsidence so that decent hard working voters end up in the river while they’re innocently taking a bath, all covered in rubble, like. Even last week yet another bleedin’ application was pushed through by the casting vote of one Labour Councillor. Is he having a laugh or what? It’s absolutely ubiquitous! Why won’t Cathy lay off the epidural drugs for five minutes, get on the dog and bone and tell her old chinas to leave it out? All she’s done is had her barnet done and gone out to take a few dolly mixtures with the locals, whereas I’ve done loads of stuff! I mean do me a favour. It just goes to show doesn’t it?’

ENDS

For any further information, please contact me. I’m available at all hours of the day, every day, to talk about absolutely anything, not just this. I’m happy to be featured in any way I can in anything that you decide to run. Just get in touch. Always happy to help. Can do radio and telly too if that’s more your bag. I look great on the telly. Just let me know.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: Hewlett Venklinne, Provost of Press.
SUBJECT: FWD:

Hewlett — This press release was, as I understand it, sent to every media outlet in the local area regardless of relevance to the publication or veracity of the facts contained therein. This press release was written by its own subject, demonstrating excessive hubris and conviction bordering on self-delusion, and attacks its organisation’s competition with scant regard for cooperation, respect, and an understanding of the facts of the issue it discusses. On top of that it is dripping with insincerity, relies on cheeky chappie bluster to get ahead, and will likely be lapped up by people susceptible to superficial charm.

Why can’t we do more stuff like that?

Mike.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on May 10 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Enoch Benito McAdolf, President, LuVE-U White Christian Preservation Society

TO: Jacob Woolly, President, LuVE-U Student Experience Co-ordination Unit

Dear Jacob,

I would like to thank you for disregarding the absurd notion that I am trying to set up some kind of Nazi society. Advocating for the preservation of a white, Christian Europe is nothing like Nazism because Hitler was an atheist, and I am glad that the officers accepted our reasoning so readily at our last meeting.

As per your request, here is the annual budget for our proposed student society. I trust that your societies committee will have no issues with this.

White cloth and scissors, £87

Wooden stakes, £30

Nails, £60

Hydrogen peroxide solution, £40

1 litre industrial fertiliser x 6, £22.85

10 kilos pig carcasses, £1.46 per kilo

1 kilo vaseline, £10

Best,

EMcA

***

FROM: Jacob Woolly, President, LuVE-U Student Experience Co-ordination Unit

TO: Enoch Benito McAdolf, President, LuVE-U White Christian Preservation Society

CC: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)

Hi Enoch,

Nothing amiss here as far as I can see mate. Have copied in the VC as the uni’s been wanting to monitor the group for some reason. I would send this back to the societies committee but they keep going on at me.

Jacob.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)

TO: Jacob Woolly, President, LuVE-U Student Experience Co-ordination Unit

CC: Hewlett Venkklinne, Head of Positive Institutional Perception Synergy

Hi Jacob. Not had chance to look over what this white christian preservation society entails, but Hewlett tells me that the movement is deeply rooted in British history – something about national socialism? Should keep the unions happy. Go right ahead, sounds good.

Mike.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on March 15 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: Hewlett.Venkklinne123@blueyonder.co.uk
SUBJECT: Interview with student journalist

Hi Hewlett,

I trust you’re well. I was just writing to show you how well the department has been functioning since I subsumed your responsibilities. Only the other day, I did an interview with a student journalist, the highlights of which you can listen to here:

Went rather well, I thought!

MMS.

PS. I hope you find a new job soon.

PPS. Can you critique the interview so that I can be even better next time. Ta.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on March 1 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

DRAFT
FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: Rosemary Thyme, Education Editor, The Times.

SUBJECT: Your article.

Dear Rosemary,

I am writing to you regarding the coverage in an article you wrote for the Times. In particular, you name me, the Vice-Chancellor of LuVE-U, as one of 11 VCs calling for USSUK to ‘get back around the table with UCUnison.’ I appreciate how the email from my former Director of Publicity / Positivity Amalgamation, Hewlett Venkklinne, might have lead you to your suggestion that I support further discussions between the parties, but I hasten to add that Venkklinne is a disgruntled former employee, who was merely trying to disrupt my leadership by suggesting that I am weak. For example, I never demanded ‘fresh talks’ with lecturers. Needless to say, I did demand this, because Hewlett would only write something I told him to write. But what I actually want is fresh talks in which USSUK reiterates its unwillingness to bow to the demands of the UCUnison, since UCUnison clearly didn’t hear us the first time. Furthermore, you suggest that I have called for negotiators to get ‘back round the table.’ And you’re right, I do. I want negotiators to get back round the table with their students, so that they can continue to teach them like I’m paying them to do.

I haven’t read the rest of the article because it’s behind a paywall, but I can assure you that whatever Hewlett says to you is untrue because he no longer works here, and as such you should ignore it.

Best,
MMS.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
TO: Hewlett.Venkklinne123@blueyonder.co.uk
SUBJECT: FWD Your article.

Hewlett,

Could you let me know if the above is alright to send to the Times, please? Thanks.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on February 15 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Jacob Woolly, President, LuVE-U Student Experience Co-ordination Unit.
TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U); Jan Huelier, President, LuVE-U UCUnison.
SUBJECT: UCUnison action.

Dear both,

I am writing to you regarding the outcome of the SECU’s discussion on the impending strike action. I know that over the past couple of years, the SECU has taken a softly-softly approach to political matters on campus.

That’s why I thought it best to warn you that my fellow officers and I have decisively agreed to to empower students’ opinions with impartial information.

Now, I’m sure that this resolution speaks for itself, but just in case it doesn’t, I have to make clear to you that our resolution is going to have serious implications for you.

Since we are clear that our stance is to allow students to decide what stance to take, we put up a post on FaceBook encouraging students to visit the UCUnison and LuVE-U websites in order to emancipate their standpoint. That post has been up for eight hours and already has a post reach of 193, so I hope your bandwidth can handle the spike in visitors to your site. In the same post, we encourage students to ask other people about the strike instead of us – Jan, you can expect your members to have an extra large backlog of emails in the coming weeks.

You’re probably used to the SECU giving you an easy ride, and our less compromising approach might come as a shock to you – can I seek your assurances that our resolution will be taken seriously?

Best,

Jacob.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)

TO: Hewlett Venklinne, Lead Director – Brand Enforcement

Subject: FW UCUnison action

Hewlett — he sounds serious. Are the servers going to crash ???

MMS.

***

FROM: Hewlett Venklinne, Lead Director – Brand Enforcement

TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)

Ha-haaaaaaaaa ! No, don’t worry Mike…

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on January 18 2018 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Lord Rod E.L. Girdle, Pro-Chancellor, Lune Valley Enterprise University.
TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
DATE: 13/1/2018, 03:45AM
SUBJECT: New Appointment

Mike,

I trssust your well. Listen I’m just art a gatheringt in London, and who shouild I run into but Toby Young? I have just been talking to him now, and hre told m that hes at a bit of a loose end at the moment. He asked if there was anthing going at the moment, and seeing him reminded me that we aer in need of a new lay member of the council, and in particular a chiar of the equalitty and diversity committe,.,

I thing he wouldf definitely be ideal. Hes got a caustic wit but on top of that, he tells me he has JUST finished a term of service on no less than thre Office for Students. THe OfS itself! That to me is exactly what we need at LuVE-U. WAhat do you think?

Respedybelly your
Rod.

PS. Can you please get me Langleys No. 8 next Christmas. Thar Gordon’s gin you got me doesnt have an affect at all.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: Lord Rod E.L. Girdle, Pro-Chancellor, Lune Valley Enterprise University.
DATE: 13/1/2018, 07:45AM
SUBJECT: re: New Appointment

Dear Rod,

Sorry, I was sound asleep when you sent that email, as I always am well before 3AM. I trust the night was a good one and that you’re in good enough condition for the next Council meeting, which is in an hour.

I can’t say I’m familiar with Toby Young, but Hewlett has made me aware of some of the recent press coverage of him. He’s a big fan of a Hugh Genix? I don’t know, Hewlett sounded quite tired when I phoned him, but I get the impression that Young is clearly a public figure of great prominence and precisely what we need. As ever I trust you to make a meritocratic appointment, so go right ahead.

Best,
Mike.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on December 7 2017 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Alan Pushers, Head of Technological Innovations and Solutions
TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
SUBJECT: The next stage

Dear Mike,

Following the seamless introduction of the Student Location University Geomonitoring Systems, I am pleased to say that moving forward we can move forward on the plan discussed at the Special Projects Committee to cascade this system to staff. As you know, we have little idea what staff are up to most of the time, where they spend their time, how productive they are being, even what value they are adding to LuVE-U. All this will now change with the data we will get from Productive Activity Time Surveillance System.

Before rolling it out, we did a quick test run of the system last week on a random staff member. Here are the results:

RESULTS FOR: Hewlett Venkklinne – Director of Public Disapproval Modification.
Total time spent – Location
4.5 hours – Local BMW second hand dealer
3.9 hours – Trafford Centre
1.4 hours – At his desk
7.2 hours – Senior Leadership Lounge
1.1 hours – Trapped in wheelchair accessible toilet when door wouldn’t open and no one responded to the alarm
4.9 hours – Googled: ‘Tips and Hairstyles for Balding Men.’
1.3 hours – Toni and Guys
0.5 hours – Googled: ‘How to take a screenshot on a Mac.’
7.5 hours – Browsing: Vogue Magazine models
1.6 hours – Google Images: Students in graduation robe
3.3 hours – Browsing: wikihow.com/photoshop-basics
4.5 hours – Browsing www.beingaleader.net

Alan.

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
TO: Hewlett Venkklinne – Director of Public Disapproval Modification.

Hewlett,

Photoshopping supermodels onto the prospectus and marketing materials are we? Don’t deny it, I know you are.

Genius strategy – you’re worth every penny.

Mike.

PS. Do you think I should keep using Viviscal?

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on November 23 2017 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U).
TO: Jacob Woolly, President, LuVE-U Student Experience Coordination Unit.
CC: Hewlett Venkklinne, Lead Negotiator: External Cognizance.
SUBJECT: Rent increases.

Dear Jacob,

Please see attached the official university response to the rent complaints.

**

LuVE-U has some of the best student accommodation in the North West of Lancashire, taking the title of Best University Halls in the Karaganda Architectural Gazette for seven of the last eight years.

In order to maintain the minimum standards expected by our students, we need to continually refurbish the entire campus and make the necessary investments – the rent rises present students with the opportunity to pay for more expensive and therefore better electricity and water, as well as a happier cleaning and portering workforce. You don’t want us to not pay the cleaners, do you?

These costs have been rising and it has been necessary to bring about an increase in student rent to reflect that cost. Rent at LuVE-U’s incomparable accommodation remains lower than at comparator accommodation providers, such as the Ritz, Emirates Palace, and the Westin Excelsior.

**

I also notice that you were complaining about the fact that we reduced your block grant this year. We figured that since you streamlined yourself and released 65% of your workforce last year that you wouldn’t be needing the money, and if you’re going to squander it on £249’s worth of lentils and ponce around campus with it, it’s clear that you don’t.

Kind regards, and I hope to continue our harmonious working relations,
Mike.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on October 26 2017 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

FROM: Chris Heaton Harris, MP for Daventry.
TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)

Dear Professor Shart,

I was wondering if you would be so kind as to supply me with the names of professors at your establishment who are involved in the teaching of European affairs, with particular reference to Brexit.

Furthermore, if I could be provided with a copy of the syllabus and links to the online lectures which relate to this area I would be much obliged.

I sincerely hope you are able to provide me with such and I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours sincerely,
Chris Heaton-Harris MP

***

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
TO: Chris Heaton Harris, MP for Daventry
CC: Hewlett Venkkline, Executive Controller: Populace Perception Precision

Dear Chris,

Many thanks for your interest in Lune Valley Enterprise University. I must confess to being a little unaware of individuals within the Government, but I am informed by our Executive Controller of Public Misperception Interception, Hewlett Venkklinne, that you have recently attained some prominence within the media, with ‘Lord Patten’ and the Chief Exec of UUK both having commented on your recent campaigning activity.

I feel that you are an ideal candidate for an Honorary Fellowship of LuVE-U – Hewlett tells me that the nature of your work would make you particularly useful in our ambitions to form partnerships with institutions in mainland China.

I have to say that I am a robust defender of academic freedom, and at Lune Valley our professors are free to think what they want, so long as they do it in their own time and not when they are being paid by the University. Therefore, I will of course furnish you with the details of our many, many professors and their views on Brexit. In the meantime, Hewlett has asked me to stress to you that he definitely voted ‘Leave.’

Best,
Mike.

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SHART ATTACK

Posted on October 12 2017 | Comments Off on SHART ATTACK

From: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)
To: All staff
Cc: Hewlett Venklinne, Head Coordinator: Credence Coordination
Subject: Our Latest Accolade

Dear all,

Jubilations aside, allow me to express my jubilation at our jubilation!

You won’t have failed to notice that LuVE-U was mentioned in the press this week. But this was no ordinary press mention – we have been named ‘Higher Education Provider of the Year’ by none other than the Racing Post! Now, some of you may be asking why a publication that deals solely with horse racing would dedicate a front page to exulting us as its designated Higher Education Provider of the year. Indeed, I asked myself the very same question, but Hewlett assures me that this only goes to show how deeply we have penetrated the public psyche. That LuVE-U could possibly catch the attention of a publication so distracted by matters other than HE is a boon, I am told.

Hewlett also tells me, on an entirely unrelated note, that the hot tip for this Sunday’s race is ‘Buffalo Catscan’, and that a tenner on the nose for Buffalo Catscan to win wouldn’t go amiss. Hewlett also tells me that by way of gratitude, in keeping with the highest academic tradition, we should all unite in purchasing a copy of the Racing Post from our nearest newsagent to read precisely what the publication has said about us – some sort of copyright restriction prevents me from sharing the related text in full, apparently.

So yes. Let’s all buy the Racing Post to see what they said about us. And, by way of continued gratitude, let all 20,000 of us take an interest in the racing and buy the Racing Post every day, for all the Racing, Cards, and Results. Explore our Horse and Jockey Profiles, only in the Racing Post.

All the best,
MMS.

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