Relating a history of anxiety, depressive episodes, and social/professional dysfunction to the possibility of Autistic Spectrum Disorder
Throughout my adult life I have repeatedly experienced a number of mental health difficulties that have hindered my ability to do things that are important to me. These have typically manifested as paralysing anxiety about either initiating interactions with others or performing tasks I felt intimidated by, and as periods of depressive inaction and lack of self-care resulting from a loss of interest in my own well-being or desire to hide from the world. At various times I have sought professional help for these issues, including a number of instances of therapy and a period on SSRI antidepressants, but found nothing that adequately explained or relieved the symptoms I was experiencing.
Last year I had a conversation with a colleague who had been investigating Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as a way of explaining their own struggles, and we found extremely significant overlap between our experiences. I had previously thought of myself as ‘further along the spectrum’ than most, but for the first time I considered this not as a curiosity but as a serious explanation for my own difficulties. Investigating further and talking to close friends and family about my experiences, it became fairly clear that many traits associated with ASD applied to me, and for the first time in my life I had a coherent explanation for my mental state and behaviour. I have not yet sought a diagnosis and would not necessarily describe myself explicitly as Autistic, but identifying with much of the Autistic experience has helped me understand myself and make slow but sustainable steps towards a better, more self-accepting life.
As a living book, I’m here to explain how these difficulties felt at the time and how I look back on them today; how I appear to process the world differently to others and the relationship that has to the Autistic spectrum; and the ongoing process of building a life that is more suited to this new understanding of how I work.
Keywords: Autistic spectrum; Depression; Anxiety; Career disruption;