{"id":891,"date":"2019-02-01T13:28:10","date_gmt":"2019-02-01T13:28:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/?p=891"},"modified":"2019-02-01T13:43:42","modified_gmt":"2019-02-01T13:43:42","slug":"shart-attack-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2019\/02\/01\/shart-attack-12\/","title":{"rendered":"SHART ATTACK"},"content":{"rendered":"

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U)<\/span>
\nTO: ALL STAFF<\/span>
\nCC: Hewlett Venklinne, Senior Staff Happiness Ambassador<\/span>
\nSUBJECT: Well done all!<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear colleagues,<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you to each and every one of you who didn’t immediately delete the 2018 Staff Survey, whilst cursing ‘pointless BS consultation exercises.’ We are pleased to share a careful selection of the results with you. The redacted report, which you can read in full below, was prepared at great expense by some faceless consulting company, so you can be sure that it exactly reflects the will of the people, which we promise to uphold throughout the coming year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Some headline results:<\/span><\/p>\n

– 90% of you clicked vaguely positive ratings buttons, whilst reserving your wrath for the free text boxes which we ignore.<\/span><\/p>\n

– 94% of you are desperately clinging on to your youthful academic aspirations, despite endless admin, funding bids and REF cycles having reduced your beloved profession to a mentally and emotionally exhausting drudgery.<\/span><\/p>\n

– 96% of you would recommend the university to a friend as a place to work, as your eye begins to twitch and you desperately fumble for the corkscrew to open a second bottle of wine.<\/span><\/p>\n

– The majority of you are content with diversity issues, overlooking gender inequality, a mental health crisis and an upswing in racism, both on campus and affecting society in general.<\/span><\/p>\n

Overall, these are results of which we can be extremely proud, particularly given that people are still licking their wounds following our harsh and intractable response to strike action over pensions devaluation, and our continuing commitment to lowering pay and pushing workers onto temporary contracts.<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks to the majority of academic staff deciding that this survey was not worth their time, we are extremely surprised to see that 75% of you say you feel you have a good work-life balance. In today’s working climate, where many of us work 6-day weeks, neglecting our personal health and well-being, we are pleased that so many of you have given up on the idea that there is a life beyond work. We feel that the balance is right between your 60-hour working life and your limited time away from the University (during which there are emails to fill the void). After all, family, love, hobbies, relaxation, time to think, imagine, or merely sleep \u2013 these things are for those losers who don’t work at a top 10 university. This is something we will continue to work at to make sure all staff feel this way.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once again, many thanks to all of you who took part, and for sharing your meaningless tickbox feedback with us. You have played an important part in providing guidance to improving our University, and after this thorough democratic exercise, we feel confident to proceed without listening to you for another year.<\/span><\/p>\n

Your beloved Vice Chancellor,<\/span><\/p>\n

Mike<\/span><\/p>\n

who thoroughly deserves his enormous remuneration package<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U) TO: ALL STAFF CC: Hewlett Venklinne, Senior Staff Happiness Ambassador SUBJECT: Well done all! Dear colleagues, Thank you to each and every one of you who didn’t immediately delete the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":568,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[6],"tags":[452,342],"class_list":["post-891","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-shart-attack","tag-issue-185","tag-staff-survey"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p99sHo-en","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":705,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2018\/09\/13\/shart-attack-11\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":0},"title":"SHART ATTACK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"September 13 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Far be it from the subtext collective to be inward-looking and disinterested in the goings on at other universities. Thanks to a source, we have frequently been able to attain private email exchanges between Mike M. Shart, the Vice-Chancellor of Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U), and various members of his\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":250,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2017\/12\/07\/shart-attack-4\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":1},"title":"SHART ATTACK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"December 7 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"FROM: Alan Pushers, Head of Technological Innovations and Solutions TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U). SUBJECT: The next stage Dear Mike, Following the seamless introduction of the Student Location University Geomonitoring Systems, I am pleased to say that moving forward we can move forward on the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":67,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2017\/10\/12\/shart-attack\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":2},"title":"SHART ATTACK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"October 12 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"From: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U) To: All staff Cc: Hewlett Venklinne, Head Coordinator: Credence Coordination Subject: Our Latest Accolade Dear all, Jubilations aside, allow me to express my jubilation at our jubilation! You won\u2019t have failed to notice that LuVE-U was mentioned in the press\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":469,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2018\/03\/15\/shart-attack-8\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":3},"title":"SHART ATTACK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"March 15 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U). TO: Hewlett.Venkklinne123@blueyonder.co.uk SUBJECT: Interview with student journalist Hi Hewlett, I trust you\u2019re well. I was just writing to show you how well the department has been functioning since I subsumed your responsibilities. Only the other day, I did an interview\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":834,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2018\/11\/23\/short-shart-shock\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":4},"title":"SHORT SHART SHOCK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"November 23 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"FROM: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U). TO: ALL STAFF CC: Hewlett Venklinne, Convenor of External Esteem (External). SUBJECT: LuVE-U in the News! Dear all, I am delighted to announce the realisation of one of the key strategic aims set out in our five year plan. You\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":121,"url":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/2017\/10\/26\/shart-attack-2\/","url_meta":{"origin":891,"position":5},"title":"SHART ATTACK","author":"Johnny Unger","date":"October 26 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"FROM: Chris Heaton Harris, MP for Daventry. TO: Mike M. Shart, VC, Lune Valley Enterprise University (LuVE-U) Dear Professor Shart, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to supply me with the names of professors at your establishment who are involved in the teaching of European affairs,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "shart attack"","block_context":{"text":"shart attack","link":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/category\/shart-attack\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/891","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/568"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=891"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/891\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":892,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/891\/revisions\/892"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=891"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=891"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/wp.lancs.ac.uk\/subtext\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=891"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}